


wish i could explain this hell i'm living in

by curlyhairedgirl



Series: Through Benji's eyes. [3]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Love Victor (TV 2020), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Actually it's a light angst but anyways, Angst, Comfort/Angst, Feelings Realization, Gay Character, Gay Male Character, Gay Panic, Gen, Here we go again with angst, Honestly my middle name should be angst, Hopeful Ending, I love my boy Benji he doesn't deserve this, Love Letters, M/M, Once again too many and long tags, Realistic, Sad, Teen Angst, Teenage Drama, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, honestly im not even kidding, i like transmiting my feelings to benji and basically expressing them through my benji series, not quite but anyways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:14:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25382920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlyhairedgirl/pseuds/curlyhairedgirl
Summary: Benji reads the letter Victor wrote for him, once he gets home away from the school grounds.(Takes place after Victor slides his letter into Benji's locker at S01E09.)
Relationships: Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Derek (Love Victor), Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar
Series: Through Benji's eyes. [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1804675
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	wish i could explain this hell i'm living in

**Author's Note:**

> Before you start reading, I just wanted to thank you guys. Your comments, kudos, even the hits I'm getting, have been such an inspiration to me. You are amazing and I really want to thank you about the support you guys give me because, it just helps me to write more and more. I've been really self-conscious about my writing since forever but, seeing that, there are actually people who like it? It makes me extremely happy. So again, thank you!!

For Benji, today was a normal day. Nothing dramatic, nothing serious, had happened at school. So far, the only things he did was go to class, spend breaks with friends, eat lunch, repeat. Derek had been calling him non-stop, which made him flinch every time he was looking at his phone, reading his name which was written on top of it.

He and Derek had not talk about the incident that happened at their one year anniversary. Benji was intentionally ignoring him, not ready to neither deal with the "consequences" nor Derek's inexplicable behaviour. Then, his world was turned upside down the moment Victor kissed him at that motel. After their small chit-chat at Benji's, now old work place, he had no clue what the young man was doing. He was low-key curious which made, in his opinion, things way worse than they already were. 

Benji did not sleep well that night. His mind was running marathons, the image stuck inside his brain. We could not thing straight and the worse thing, according to him, was that he did not think about Derek the moment it happened. He went with the flow, until he realised what he had done, in the middle of their own moment. What scared him, made him nervous, the most was the fact that he did not regret a single thing, even though, basically, it was not fully his fault either. 

In addition, he was mostly curious, slightly terrified, when the small white piece of paper fell from his locker, the moment he slightly opened it. Before bending over to grab it, Benji eyed quizzically the school corridor, trying to understand if he missed something. He gave one last cautious look at the paper, before shoving it inside his bag. He could study it more once he got home. 

He only had one last class before heading school hours were ending, and Benji was sure it was going to be a long one. 

๑๑๑

Benji hang his jacket on the hanger while tossing his bag on his bed. Once he was sure his door was closed and then locked, he looked at the spot his bag was occupying, releasing a heavy sight, approaching slowly his bed at the same time. 

He fished the folded paper out, while getting comfortable before starting to read the content it held inside:

_Dear B,_

_Honestly, I know it sounds very cliché but, I don't even know where to start. I'm sorry. I know this won't do anything, it won't fix anything but, I really need you to know how sorry I am. You really trusted me and all I did was blow things up by kissing you that night._

_A lot have been happening lately if I'm being honest. I wish I could give you the answers you want to, you need to, hear but, the thing is... I even don't have them. I don't know what is going on with me. Inside my head. The only thing I know is, everything's just gray, I feel numb all the time, well maybe not all the time but, most of it. I don't know how to act, what to think or do. I've been trying to find a solution for a good amount of time right now. I haven't mentioned anything to anyone. I'm not sure about many things anymore. Although, I'm sure about one thing: that you're amazing and a genuine person and that you deserve an honest apology and an explanation. You Benji, were the only person that I could truly open up with. So, again, I'm so sorry Benji. I promise you, once I have the explanation you deserve to have, I'll come straight up to you._

_Love, Victor._

Benji felt something wet rolling down his face. His single tear became multiple and after seconds, without fully realising it, he felt himself crying, small sobs escaping out of his mouth. He tried desperately to wipe, or at least, ease his tears with his free hands, carrying it off unsuccessfully. He tossed the letter away, getting up from his bed, walking in circles inside his room taking deep breaths at the same time, trying to calm himself down. 

As he tried to calm himself down, mostly successfully, at least from the sobs, Benji heard a light buzz coming through his phone:

_**Derek:** I honestly don't know what is happening with you right now Benji, but, if it isn't important enough to tell me, then knock it off. Anyways, I know it is your school's dance in a couple of days. Even though you know my opinion on those kind of stuff, I am up for this. _

Benji stared at his phone for a couple minute, even though it felt like hours. He kept writing and deleting his messages, one felt too angry, the other too lame, too cold, too "sweet". He even wrote Derek to literally piss off for being if not the worst one of the worst boyfriends ever, but Benji, ended up writing a simple: _pick me at 8, my house._

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't know if I should make a second part on this. Let me know what you think about it and if you want a part two! I might continue this though. 
> 
> come and yell at me or whatever you'd like on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/glitch-ditch-canonbitch)


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